Tinged Green
by Lady Mirelle
Summary: Sequel to Freudian Slip. Things are awkward and painful for Kirk and Spock. Can Kirk explain himself, or will their friendship be ruined? M for language and suggested mxm sex. If this gets a nice response, I'll do a 3rd/final installment.


Tinged Green

A/N: Set approximately 1 week after Freudian Slip. I may write a further chapter if this is received well, to become a trilogy but I'm not promising anything.

Freudian slip was based on hate/lust, this was based on fear/understanding and the third one would be betrayal/friendship … basically, how K/S pull themselves out of this hot mess to become true friends. Let me know if you want it. ^^''

I watched a lot of TOS since the first story so the tone might be a bit off. / Also, I'm sorry if Mr Spock wasn't really in character. It was hard to do this feeling with him.

Rated M for suggested mxm (didn't want to be explicit since this is supposed to be an emotional fic) and possibly to safeguard myself for coarse language. Tried to make this painfully emotional. /

Thanks for reading, sorry this a/n was so long! Lots of love,

Mirelle.

Spock was crying, and he hated himself for it. He was sitting on his bed, in his quarters, with his hand pressed to his mouth, great painful tears falling onto his knees. He didn't ask to feel this bad. He was Vulcan. He could push his emotions down and never feel them again. He could push away his feelings for his Captain and the hurt he was causing. He could rid himself of the pain.

His father had told him once that emotions run deeply within Vulcan blood, even more so than in humans.

A wave of guilt crashed over him and a fresh lot of tears surged out. He gave a silent sob and rubbed his eyes, as someone requested to come in.

"Who is it?" he called out, praying to a deity he didn't believe in that it wasn't the Captain.

"It's Nyota, can I come in?"

"Yes," replied Spock, hurriedly wiping his face with his hands. Uhura entered, the door whooshing closed behind her. Spock gazed at her helplessly, trying to find a way to explain what had happened.

"Oh Spock," she sighed, moving to sit behind him. She slipped a slender hand around his arm and rubbed it gently. "What's happened? I saw you hurrying away from the transporter room. I thought you were hurt or angry …" She trailed off, allowing Spock to take some deep breaths.

"The Captain … Jim," he corrected himself, "You know, of course, that we have been on shore leave these last few days on Exlim II." Uhura nodded. "It seems that there is an abundance of beautiful women on this Starbase, a fact which has not eluded our good Captain." Spock paused again to swallow. "He has spent every moment down there pandering, batting his eyelashes and complimenting every woman we came across. He did this in front of me, without throwing a glance in my direction. After the events of last week, I thought he had romantic feelings for me. I felt so hurt that I returned here and tried to supress my emotions so that I would not feel so hurt and foolish. Then I remembered my mother, the human, who always wanted me to embrace my emotions and I felt so ashamed that I began to cry. It is illogical for me to react so strongly to this situation, which makes me feel even more ashamed."

Uhura made a sympathetic noise. "It isn't illogical Spock. You like him and you thought you had something together, even if it wasn't totally clear to you. So him going off and flirting with girls, it's going to hurt. You should tell him how you feel."

Spock shook his head. "I doubt that that would help. Nyota, I am sorry for telling you all of this. I imagine it must be distressing to hear about your ex-boyfriend's emotional turmoil. However, your presence offers me the comfort required for me to … unload my mind, as it were."

Uhura offered him an uncomfortable smile. "Don't worry about me, you strange, clever man. A week ago I saw you kiss our Captain on the bridge and I saw how happy it made you. You should have seen his face too. There's affection growing in him even if he won't show it."

"I have never cried about anything before. I am not human enough…" Spock added.

"You're human enough to have your heart broken," Uhura argued, gently.

Kirk gasped as the alien girl sank her teeth into his neck. They were sharp but she bit gently enough to not break the skin. He pulled her round and found her lips with his own. He let his hands graze over her buttocks. They were full and round, if a little slimy. Her skin shimmered like fish scales and the gills on her neck rippled as Kirk's hands travelled down her thigh. She pulled away and stared into his eyes with her own beautiful blues. He preferred brown eyes, deep and dark and filled with mystery, like Spock's.

_Stop thinking about Spock,_ he scolded himself. He was doing this to get the Vulcan out of his head, after all. Running his hands along her curvy body, he was pleased to note he found her _very _attractive.

_Definitely not gay,_ he purred in his head, the alien girl's teeth carving a sharp path to his neck again. His hips rolled against hers as she started to take off his clothes. Her pointed teeth scraped against his ear and he moaned, "Uh Spock…" his eyes snapped open and he felt a blush spread over his face. The alien girl sat up and stared at him, one eyebrow raised with her godforsaken blue eyes.

"Who's Spock?" she asked, her face getting stormy.

"Oh it's … uh, an Earth saying. It's a … word that-"

He was cut off by his communicator bleeping. _Thank God._ He reached for it and flicked it open.

"Kirk here." The girl climbed off him and started straightening what was left of her clothes.

"Uhura here. Sir, you're needed aboard the ship. It's Mr Spock-"

"What's wrong with Spock?" Kirk asked, voice wavering with the sudden panic that flooded him.

"_Mr_ Spock?" inquired the alien girl, folding her arms.

"I think you should see for yourself, Captain." There was venom in Uhura's voice and Kirk couldn't fight the feeling that he'd done something wrong.

"Shit," he muttered. "Okay, Lieutenant, I'll beam up. Kirk out." He snapped the communicator shut and started to pull his clothes back on. "I'm sorry … uh …"

"Kari," the alien girl snapped. She stormed out. Kirk shut his eyes and heaved a sigh. So much for getting over his second-in-command. So much for being secure with his sexuality.

"Damn. Damn that Vulcan. No, don't damn him, damn the universe for making him so … ugh." He muttered angrily to himself as he dressed and then went to the transporter room, to beam back up to the ship.

Uhura greeted him in the transporter room on the Enterprise. "What happened? Is he ok?" Kirk asked, a frown of worry on his youthful forehead.

"He is _not_ ok, and as for what happened, why don't you tell _me_?" snapped the dark skinned beauty. She lowered her voice. "You've really hurt his feelings, flirting with every Exlimian whore you came across, you know."

"Oh, that's why he left," Kirk breathed, guilt sweeping over him with realisation. _I didn't know it was possible to hurt his feelings …_ His thoughts stopped dead in their tracks as he recalled Spock throwing himself across the room after Kirk insulted him last week. The Vulcan wasn't as good at supressing his emotions as he liked everyone to think.

"Are you dense, or are you just an asshole?" Uhura snarled, pushing him towards Spock's quarters. Kirk didn't answer her. His heart was thumping in his chest. Spock's heart would be thumping against his side, pumping green copper blood around his half-alien body. Kirk's heart beat a little faster just thinking of that.

He couldn't deny his feelings any longer. Time to face the music.

He pressed the button to enter Spock's room. The door whooshed open and Kirk's eyes fell on his First Officer's face. His eyes were tinged green and swollen. His mouth was set in a hard line. The tip of his nose was tinged green. Kirk bit his lip in shame.

Spock glanced at him then looked quickly away.

"You are not welcome in my quarters, Captain."

"Spock, please allow me to explain myself-"

"You do not care for me in the way I care for you. That is all the explanation I need."

"Look, you've got the wrong idea. I was only flirting with all of those girls because I was afraid of facing my feelings for you," he began indignantly.

"Your feelings for me, sir?" Spock questioned, raising an eyebrow. Kirk closed the gap between them and sat beside him on the bed.

He relaxed his voice and allowed it to fill with lust. It was a sure way to soften up Spock. "My feelings for you, Commander. Do you not remember how I kissed you last week? Your lips looked so irresistible. I just couldn't stop myself. Then when I was rubbing your ears…" He paused, climbing around Spock to kneel behind him. He rubbed the tip of his thumb along the back of one ear. "And you were breathing hard, moaning … It turned me on so much that I got scared." He rubbed Spock's shoulders, but the Vulcan kept his face impassive, his posture stiff. "So I flirted with some girls," he continued, kissing the back of Spock's neck, "To make myself feel more secure. I didn't realise it would-"- Kiss - "-hurt your feelings. We've hardly spoken since that last kiss. I didn't think you cared." He let his tongue graze Spock's ear.

It didn't have the desired effect. Spock tensed under Kirk's touch.

"Please remove yourself from my quarters, Captain," he demanded, calmly, dangerously softly.

"Spock, come on." Kirk crawled to sit beside him. Spock still wouldn't look at him.

"It is easy to deduce that you are keeping details from me. Your story does not make sense to me, so I would ask that you remove yourself from my quarters."

"Look, Spock," Kirk frowned, his guts turning icy from the Vulcan's coldness, "There are some emotions a person just can't express out loud. I'm not deliberately keeping stuff from you. I just … I can't think of how to put it all into words." He paused to gage Spock's reaction.

Stiff indifference, mouth remaining set in a hard line.

"I want you to perform a mind meld on me. The future version of you did it and he was able to show me what happened to him, and how he was feeling. Maybe if you could see for yourself…" He trailed off. Spock stood up and opened the door, waiting for Kirk to go through it. Kirk could see this was a lost cause. With a heavy heart, he obliged. "At least think about it." He drilled his gaze right into the First Officer's mysterious brown eyes before leaving.

Spock breathed out heavily and stumbled over to his bathroom. He spat a mouthful of blood into the sink. The metallic smell almost made him retch. He'd been biting down on the inside of his cheek as Kirk had tried to turn him on and broken the skin. His mind was racing as he wiped his face. He realised his hands were shaking.

The next day, the entire bridge was tense. Kirk was sitting in his chair, spinning from side to side as he had done a week earlier, with a thunderous look on his face. The crew could guess what had gone on, and with the help of Uhura most of them probably did. Any one of them could have claimed that the Captain was emotionally compromised, but as it was his decision making was as sharp as ever, if not sharper. Only he could know that he was channelling his energies into his work, to avoid that cold feeling shooting through his body again.

Besides, it would be Spock taking over and he was even worse than Kirk. He had pushed his emotions down so far that he was functioning like an automaton today. Nobody wanted him to step down, because none of them felt ready for the responsibility. So nobody said anything, Spock and Kirk avoided contact for twelve hours and McCoy grew more concerned as the day went on.

Finally, he gave in. He approached his friend and told him, discreetly, "You need to talk to him, Jim, alone. You've had a bit of time to sort your thoughts out. Show him you're thinking about him, tell him what you told me last night."

"Bones, I don't know what more I can say. I told him I was scared and I told him I like him," Kirk pointed out.

"You need to tell him what you told me last night. In private," McCoy persisted. Kirk exhaled, nodding.

"Fine, you're right, you're right." He glanced at the Vulcan. Raising his voice to an authoritative tone, he addressed the room. "Lieutenant Welsch, relieve Mr Spock."

Spock's mouth popped open as though he was about to protest, but Kirk held up a hand.

_I'm in charge, I'm taking control,_ he was saying.

"That's an order, Mr Spock."

"You are being most illogical, Captain," he objected, but he left his post and headed for his quarters.

McCoy winked at the Captain. "Now's your chance." Kirk took a steadying breath, his heart rate increasing, before following Spock off the bridge to his quarters.

_I can do this. It's Spock. He's a nutcase but he knows me. He'll listen. I just have to make him. I have to make him understand._

The door zipped shut behind them.

"Captain, I do not wish to speak with you."

"I don't care. I _need_ to speak with you. I need to make you understand how I feel. Even if all of this is just a … a human emotion that you can't feel, I want you to understand why I've acted this way. I wanted you to feel my mind so I wouldn't have to say it out loud. Because it hurts, Spock." Kirk's voice broke on the last word, tears springing into his eyes. He swallowed then caught hold of Spock by the shoulders, forcing him to look Kirk in the eyes. The deep brown Vulcan eyes filled with emotion as he began to understand the level of passion in the Captain's words.

"Jim, I cannot perform a mind-meld upon you. It is an ancient Vulcan technique which involves the lowering of mental barriers, causing great vulnerability for the two parties. If there was anything you did not wish for me to see, I would see it, and vice-versa. It is also dangerous if performed improperly."

Kirk dropped his hands from Spock's shoulders. He slid his hands right down the Vulcan's arms to take his hands. Spock gasped, almost inaudibly. He stood stiffly, allowing Kirk's fingers to curl around his in a very human gesture. His sensitive alien hands tingled and throbbed with the contact and he felt his cheeks begin to flush.

"I'm scared," Kirk admitted, "Because if I were to admit that I had feelings for you that would mean I'm gay. I was brought up to feel a kind of fear about that, because that was just the part of the world I came from. I'm scared that falling in love with you would stop us from forming that important friendship that's apparently so vital to our careers." He hesitated, his eyes flicking from Spock's eyes to his lips, to the curve of his jaw, to the shape of his nose, remembering him, just in case this was the last chance he had to be this close, this intimate.

"Love is one of your complicated Earth emotions that I do struggle to understand. However, my father once told me that Vulcan emotions run deep. He also told me he married my mother simply because he loved her," Spock explained. Kirk wondered, with a rapidly-thumping heart, where he was going with this.

After a whole minute of silence, Spock nodded. He slid his hands out of his Captain's and steered him by the arms to sit on the bed. Kirk felt weak with relief, and allowed it.

Spock rubbed his hands together and loosened the joints in his fingers, his breath comfortably hot against Kirk's face.

He pressed one finger slowly to Kirk's forehead, then another just below it, a third to the corner of his eye and the fourth to the corner of his mouth. Kirk resisted the temptation to turn and kiss it, instead drilling his gaze into Spock's. The Vulcan shut his eyes and steadied his breathing to a slow rhythm and Kirk found himself subconsciously matching it. There were a few seconds of silence as nothing happened. Kirk let his eyelids flicker shut.

"Open your mind. We move together … our minds …. sharing the same thoughts. My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts …" Spock chanted. He repeated it more softly, tenderly applying pressure to Kirk's face. The third time, it was barely more than a whisper.

Suddenly there was a crunch inside Kirk's brain as the barriers were broken down. Everything churned together like a dam had been destroyed. Then everything stilled. He felt Spock's hurt and confusion and shame. He felt them as though they were his own. A tear trickled down his cheek and he bit back a sob.

Spock gave a small sigh as he found what he was looking for. Kirk felt himself sigh too.

The Vulcan delicately pulled the fear from Kirk's mind into the swirl of shared thoughts. He turned it over and looked at it from different angles then allowed it to flood him.

"You are undoubtedly scared, Jim," Spock whispered, his voice shaking. "Oh, this is …" Words failed him and he just clutched Kirk's hand with his free one. They both opened their eyes and stared at each other, emotions passing between them. To any onlooker, it would seem like they were in a trance, seeing so deeply into each other that they wouldn't see anything else.

They rushed through the emotions together as Spock picked out each one to examine it. It became overwhelming for Kirk and he had to shut his eyes again, as images started to flash in their mind. It felt like they were rushing towards a conclusion. Kirk's stomach fluttered in anticipation.

The images slowed down. Spock grunted with the effort of keeping the psychic contact under control. There was a wave of new fear – Spock didn't want to blow the veins in Kirk's skull.

They both saw the look in each other's eyes the first time they kissed, from both points of view at once. They both saw the last time they kissed on the bridge. They saw Spock's mother get ripped away by the falling cliff. They saw Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru test and felt the lurch of anger and intrigue in Spock's stomach. They saw a scaly female with sharp teeth undressing herself and felt the rush of lust and loneliness. They heard Kirk's soft moan of his First Officer's name and both repeated it together.

The images sped up again, Spock searching for something in particular and rushing past the ones he didn't need.

Together they went through the conversations Kirk had had with McCoy about Spock, from the moment they first met up to the previous night. Spock dragged each one out with painful slowness. The Captain felt Spock's thought processes, weighing the logic of the situation against the emotional implications.

Finally, they reached the conclusion. They both cried out, the comprehension of what would have to be bringing fresh emotions into their mind.

They spoke simultaneously, with the same disappointed tone.

"We cannot be together. We must become friends for the sake of our jobs and for the good we can do in the universe. Jeopardising this is illogical, even for love."

On the final word, Kirk's stomach gave an unpleasant lurch, their awareness splitting into two separate minds. Spock's hand slid from its contact points to cup Kirk's chin.

"Fuck," Kirk breathed, as the Vulcan pressed their lips together.

There was the fire again, the spark. A spark that would never again be ignited, a fire to be doused and hidden. The two mouths moved frantically against one another, both men whimpering desperately as the clung to each other. Spock's hand was pulling Kirk's face as close to his as he could manage.

Kirk's face was damp but he couldn't tell which of them was crying. He fought his way into his First Officer's mouth with his tongue. He tugged Spock's hand down to his waist, breaking their psychic connection completely, and slipped his hand around to its familiar position behind his pointed ear. He rubbed the fleshy point, which received a loud, fierce reaction. Spock bit down on Kirk's lip and took control.

He pushed the Captain flat onto the bed and placed a knee on either side of his thighs. He endured Kirk's assault on his sensitive ears as he gently dug his fingernails into the shorter man's hips, giving humanly sensual groans.

Spock broke the kiss to take off his Captain's clothes. Tears were streaming down Kirk's flushed face, his blue eyes shining with emotion. He allowed Spock to strip him then returned the favour, before sitting up and taking one of the Vulcan's ears into his mouth. He nibbled the lobe for a few seconds then ran his tongue flatly up to the point. Spock gave that loud, sinfully erotic moan. Kirk's spine tingled as he caught the look in the scientist's eye.

Distress and understanding, being swallowed by dark, animal lust.

James T. Kirk fell into those deep, brown eyes and wished he'd never be able to emerge..

Hot, dry lips on Kirk's shoulder. Sharp pain. Reassuring kisses. Soft, panting moans. Joined hands. Minds flowing together. Hearts opening. Silent sobs being coughed out from Kirk's chest. Bright blue eyes rolling back into their sockets. Teeth ripping the skin on his neck. Hot, dry tongue lapping up the vivid red blood. Hearts racing in different locations. Names whispered, then moaned, then shouted.

Then, stillness. Breathless kisses. A warm embrace as a heart slows to restfulness against Kirk's naked back. Words whispered in a strange, alien language which Kirk barely hears. The foggy onset of sleep. A feeling of safety and gratitude towards the strong arm wrapped around him as he disappeared into hazy dreams.

When Kirk woke up, he was alone in Spock's bed. He took deep breaths as he clawed his way out of sleep. Groggily, he pulled on his discarded clothes and cleaned his teeth in Spock's sink. The First Officer's clothes were gone.

The night's events slipped into their place in Kirk's memory. He took up a chant of _fuck, fuck, damn and fuck_ under his breath as he rushed around the room. He had to dash to his own room to put on clean clothes and brush his hair, before hurrying to the bridge. This was the second time this week he had been much later than he intended.

The turbolift didn't go fast enough for the Captain today. His heart was pounding yet again. He didn't know how much the bridge crew knew of his relationship with Spock. They'd certainly been rather fucking loud last night, Kirk remembered with a glow of embarrassment, but he couldn't stop himself from smiling a little.

The doors whooshed open and Captain Kirk stepped onto the bridge. Diving into his chair, he wished the crew good morning, deliberately avoiding everyone's gaze.

After he'd finished giving the orders for the morning, Spock came over and took him aside.

"Captain, I believe it would be for the best if we were never to speak of, or repeat the events of last night. It would also be illogical to divulge any information regarding our relationship to any other member of the crew. To function properly as Captain and First Officer requires-"

Kirk held up a hand to stop him. "I understand, Spock," he nodded. "The conclusion we reached after our … talk was pretty clear. We'll get to be good friends. Remember how well we worked together during the Nero attack? I want that. All the time. It might take some work to get there but we can do it. It's a sacrifice…" He lowered his voice further. "I feel so strongly about you, especially after last night-"

It was Spock's turn to interrupt. "Please, Captain, let this be the last we speak of it."

"Very well, Mr Spock. Please return to your station."

"Yes Captain."

Kirk settled himself into his chair, biting back untimely tears. He made a show of asking Scotty something about the dilithium crystals and pretending to understand the answer, and soon his good mood was restored. He stroked the arm of his chair, enjoying its comfortable support on his back. There was a twinge in his stomach which reminded him of affection.

"…she's a beautiful ship, Captain," Scotty concluded.

"Aye, Scotty. She is," Kirk agreed. He let his eyes travel from console to gleaming console. His gaze came to rest on Spock's broad back. The Vulcan turned as though he could sense it, and their eyes met for a second. That intangible feeling passed between them again, words not needed.

_We'll get there. Let's just try to perform admirably until then. _

They both turned back to their work, small smiles working onto their faces.

A sudden blast rocked the ship.

"Captain, we're under attack!" Sulu called. Kirk automatically hit the "red alert" button.

"Who's attacking us?" he demanded.

"I … don't know, sir," Sulu admitted. The bridge crew were all hitting buttons and peering into screens and nobody had an answer.

A second explosion threw Chekov from his seat. Kirk rushed to help him up.

While his back was turned, a white glow surrounded Spock.

Someone was beaming him off the ship.


End file.
